Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Dear Johan

Okay, so, I've been ridiculous with knitting lately, which I will get to hopefully sooner than later, but for now, this is what needs to be said:  

Dear Johan

I carry you in pieces--
your blue eyes on bracelet baubles, 
that blonde hair reflecting off Midwestern hay bales, 
your voice in moments of radio songs.  
But mostly I carry you 
in the shocking seconds
when I'm overcome 
by the hole in my heart
where your life belongs.  

My Lutheran soul
can't learn the chorus to grief hymns
and I boil over
with tears, 
double over
with pain
when I think of you 
on that basement floor, 
when I think of the machines
that kept you breathing
those two long days, 
when I think of your hands
on my guitar
and the way you made me feel.  

I'm sorry I never told you
that I loved you.  
I was wrong.