Dear Johan

Okay, so, I've been ridiculous with knitting lately, which I will get to hopefully sooner than later, but for now, this is what needs to be said:  

Dear Johan

I carry you in pieces--

your blue eyes on bracelet baubles, 

that blonde hair reflecting off Midwestern hay bales, 

your voice in moments of radio songs.  

But mostly I carry you 

in the shocking seconds

when I'm overcome 

by the hole in my heart

where your life belongs.  

My Lutheran soul

can't learn the chorus to grief hymns

and I boil over

with tears, 

double over

with pain

when I think of you 

on that basement floor, 

when I think of the machines

that kept you breathing

those two long days, 

when I think of your hands

on my guitar

and the way you made me feel.  

I'm sorry I never told you

that I loved you.  

I was wrong.  

Sarah